Bad memories

Lately I’m often thinking about that day. You don't lose a baby every day. The correct term would be the foetus but I can’t stand this expression. It was my baby, my little baby girl and I lost her. I’ve been pregnant for only nine weeks but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love her. She wasn’t planned but it happened and it made us so incredibly happy. She was wanted and loved. She was my little baby girl…

Somewhere deep inside I think you blame me for losing her. You never said it and when I asked you if you blame me you denied it. But maybe deep down in your heart you blame me and even you’re not aware of that.

I never saw you cry before but that day you were inconsolable. You rushed to the hospital and I saw your red eyes, you were crying. Now you’re denying it because you want to be strong for me. It means so much to me that I didn’t lose both of you especially since I’ve pushed you away when we lost her. I was pushing you away but you never went anywhere, you were always there for me. Even on that day…

I know that suicide isn’t a solution. I was looking for a way out of my pain. It was too much for me and I didn’t have a reason to live anymore. The pills were deceiving me. I thought it would be easier. It probably would be but you came home and saved my life. I should be thankful.

The doors open. You’re late. You probably went for a drink with your colleagues.

“Hey.” You kiss me and it seems that you’re not angry with my anymore. I wouldn’t blame you if you were.

“Hey. Sorry again for my reaction at the lunch.” I am sorry but I still think it’s a mad idea. You sit on a couch next to me and look at me seriously.

“Did you think about it?” You still think we should go away for two months and that I should leave my job. You’re very determined. Well, so am I. Why should I give up my career if I don’t want to.

“I did a bit but I had very busy day. I still think it’s a mad idea.” I hope you understand. I’m the leader of a research department in a big pharmaceutical company and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am today, so I don’t want to give it up.

“Don’t you want to get better? I understand that losing our baby was hard for you. It wasn’t easy for me either but we have to continue with our life. Maybe we should try to have another baby…” You’re seriously thinking of having another baby? I can’t believe it. I don’t want to risk losing another child, it would destroy me.

“I’m not ready. And I don’t want to give up my job and everything I’ve worked very hard for.” I don’t want to talk about having another baby.

“You’re changing the subject.” This is the first time you’ve expressed your desire for another baby. It seems that you really want one. But I’m not ready.

“I’m not ready for this conversation. I’m not ready to have another baby.” I don’t know if I will ever be.