The party

There are so many people here and yet I feel so alone and lonely. You’re standing there in the corner, chit-chatting with your boss and his wife. You look at me and you smile. I love your smile, it’s so honest and it hasn’t changed a bit in those 7 years we’ve been together. It’s your special smile just for me. You never smile at  someone else like this. This smile used to make me feel happy I felt the warmth in it. Today I’m just happy that it’s still there that you still love me.

“What do you think about this?” your co-worker I’m talking to asks me. I have no idea what he was talking about. Was it about that project he’s working on? Or did he finish and start a new topic? I really can’t remember he’s so boring I can’t even listen to him. Does he think he’s interesting? Or maybe fun? I feel sorry for him. He’s so uninteresting that no one wants to talk to him, everyone’s avoiding him. I’m one of them.

“I totally agree with you!” This answer usually satisfies this kind of man and they feel so very good about themselves if they get confirmation. He’s giving the impression of a confident man but he always seeks confirmation from others. I should find some excuse to walk away, I can’t stand him anymore. “I’m really sorry, but I have to go to the lady’s room.” A great excuse which always works. And I would really appreciate some fresh air.

“Do you want a cigarette?” Someone asks me the moment I come out of the hotel. “Yes, please.” I stopped smoking three years ago. But at this moment a cigarette is a blessing for me. But now I’m forced to have a chit-chat with this guy. The price of a cigarette is a five-minute talk with a total stranger I hope I’ll never see again. I can deal with this.

“I thought you stopped smoking.” I didn’t expect you to come out since you were very busy with your boss.

“It’s just one cigarette. Your colleague it’s hard to bear.” I don’t have the will to explain and I’m an adult I don’t know why I should hide my smoking from you. You can handle this. I won’t start smoking again though it feels so damn good.

“I’m sorry I left you alone with him.” I know you mean it. You’re so caring and sweet.

“It’s ok, I understand. Don’t worry!” I kiss you on your cheek. “Should we go inside?” This will comfort you and drive away your suspicions. You won’t notice I’m not ok. Now it’s really not the time for "the talk". Two years ago when you found me with a cocktail of pills in my mouth we talked for hours. And then you called my doctor and got me an appointment with a psychiatrist. They considered me an urgent case… The psychiatrist prescribed me the antidepressant pills. I also went to a psychologist every week. Talking to her helped. Half a year ago I stopped seeing her and two months ago it started all over again. I don’t know if I can go through all this again. It’s too much for me…

“You look so lovely.” The only female colleague of yours says to me when we come back inside. I know she tried to seduce you. She’s a good looking woman. Three years ago I would be furious but now I’m too tired to be jealous.

“You’re not looking bad either.” I'm trying to be polite.

“I’m sorry, but we were just leaving.”  You see I’m not comfortable talking to her. You take my hand, turn around and leave her standing there like a fool.

“We can stay you know. We don’t have to leave yet.” I try to be convincing.

“We’re both tired and I’ve had enough of pretending I like this boring party.” You’re still the same you that you were when we met seven years ago. And I love you for that.