Sunday, 28 November 2010

Bad memories

Lately I’m often thinking about that day. You don't lose a baby every day. The correct term would be the foetus but I can’t stand this expression. It was my baby, my little baby girl and I lost her. I’ve been pregnant for only nine weeks but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love her. She wasn’t planned but it happened and it made us so incredibly happy. She was wanted and loved. She was my little baby girl…

Somewhere deep inside I think you blame me for losing her. You never said it and when I asked you if you blame me you denied it. But maybe deep down in your heart you blame me and even you’re not aware of that.

I never saw you cry before but that day you were inconsolable. You rushed to the hospital and I saw your red eyes, you were crying. Now you’re denying it because you want to be strong for me. It means so much to me that I didn’t lose both of you especially since I’ve pushed you away when we lost her. I was pushing you away but you never went anywhere, you were always there for me. Even on that day…

I know that suicide isn’t a solution. I was looking for a way out of my pain. It was too much for me and I didn’t have a reason to live anymore. The pills were deceiving me. I thought it would be easier. It probably would be but you came home and saved my life. I should be thankful.

The doors open. You’re late. You probably went for a drink with your colleagues.
“Hey.” You kiss me and it seems that you’re not angry with my anymore. I wouldn’t blame you if you were.
“Hey. Sorry again for my reaction at the lunch.” I am sorry but I still think it’s a mad idea. You sit on a couch next to me and look at me seriously.

“Did you think about it?” You still think we should go away for two months and that I should leave my job. You’re very determined. Well, so am I. Why should I give up my career if I don’t want to.
“I did a bit but I had very busy day. I still think it’s a mad idea.” I hope you understand. I’m the leader of a research department in a big pharmaceutical company and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am today, so I don’t want to give it up.

“Don’t you want to get better? I understand that losing our baby was hard for you. It wasn’t easy for me either but we have to continue with our life. Maybe we should try to have another baby…” You’re seriously thinking of having another baby? I can’t believe it. I don’t want to risk losing another child, it would destroy me.
“I’m not ready. And I don’t want to give up my job and everything I’ve worked very hard for.” I don’t want to talk about having another baby.
“You’re changing the subject.” This is the first time you’ve expressed your desire for another baby. It seems that you really want one. But I’m not ready.
“I’m not ready for this conversation. I’m not ready to have another baby.” I don’t know if I will ever be. 


  1. I don't know what to say. What a powerful and honest post. Everyone deals with grief in different ways and it is important to do what is right for you without cutting off your partner who sounds like a great guy. Don't feel pressured into making quick decisions, time doesn't make everything right but hard decisions do get easier with a bit of time and space. Hugs :)

  2. Lovely post. I like the way it ties back to your earlier posts, too.

    NB it should be "losing" not "loosing" in both cases.

  3. Just reading back through your posts I realised that this series of posts is part fiction - it is hauntingly real. Beautifully written.

  4. @Louba - Thanks for your nice comment. Luckily this didn't happen to me, it's just my imagination. But thanks for your nice words and hugs anyways. It's really sweet of you. *hugs*

    @Baglady - I'm glad you like it. As I already said - constructive criticism is welcome.
    And thanks for letting me know about the mistakes!

  5. Hi Starlight! I loved reading this post, and I'm gonna surf around a little on your sight. :) Seeing that your from Slovenia, I want to ask incredulously, is English not your first language??

    It looks like you might be knew to the blogophere, and I am too! I'm a student from the US living in Lima, Peru currently. I would love for you to come visit my site! We should definitely be blogging buddies. :) Keep on!

  6. Wow you're fast! But did you know you're following the page I set up to direct people to the real page? My domain changed a few days ago...a little confusing..hehe.

  7. When I read the first paragraph I thought you were pregnant! These fictional stories feels frighteningly real. Keep it up!

  8. Hey Starlight....amazingly written...the story's getting interesting...waiting for the next post eagerly...

  9. @Dani - Thanks for stopping by and reading my post. You're welcome to become a follower. English is not my first language, is it so obvious?

    @WCOTFT - Thanks, I'm trying that it would feel as real as possible.

    @Caterpillar - Thanks, I'm glad you like my stories. There will be next "chapter", I'll try not to disappoint you.

  10. Great writing! Keep it up!
    I'll be looking for you on the bookshelves at the local bookstore soon. ♥

  11. Wow, when I first starting reading this I thought it was real. Good writing.

  12. @GoffyGirl - Thanks. A lot of people said I should write a novel and I'm really starting to think about it. Maybe some day :)

    @Barbara L. - Thanks, I'm glad you like my writing. You should read the previous parts of this story: Left behind, The balcony, The party, The confrontation and The poisonous steak.

  13. this is a beautifulyl touching post. It's honest and captivating, and i can't express how sorry i am for your loss. :(
    But can i just say, that i adore your blog- layout,natural writing style -it's wonderful.

    p.s. I'm pretty new to this whole blogging thing and was wondering if you possibly had a spare minute to look at my blog? Love or detest it- any comment from a blogging pro like you would be really appreciated! Thank you.

  14. Another great post. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought these posts seemed too real to be fiction. You've got that "first person" writing down to a science. Look forward to reading more...

  15. @Roma - Thanks for following me. I'm glad you liked my story but it's fictional, this didn't happen to me.

    @Sandy - It seems that I was successful at writing this story since a lot of my readers thought it really happened to me.
    I'm glad you like it!

  16. Hey, Starlight. Posted a reply to your comment on my blog already, but in case it doesn't show you that I wanted to post here and say thanks for checking out my blog and following, and I am now following yours as well! :]

  17. Hey Starlight! NOT obvious that it's not your first language at all. I asked cause you're from Slovenia and there's some things written in a different language!

  18. you are a truly gifted story teller! i'm waiting for the sequel!:)

  19. @Dani - I thought I was obvious, LoL.

    @Maria - Thanks, I'm already thinking about the next "chapter" which will probably be written today or tomorrow.