I’m standing on the balcony. Not too close to the fence though. After five years of living on the 12th floor I’m still not used to the height and it’s still scary. I never stand too close to the fence even though I’m often wondering how long would the fall take if I would jump. I wish I had paid more attention in physics class and I could calculate the time of falling.
“Are you thinking of jumping?” You’re joking. You don’t know I’m actually thinking of jumping. I didn’t hear you coming.
“No.” it’s easier to lie. I don’t want to cause you any more trouble. You’ve been worrying about me enough. I don’t want to put you in that place again. You don’t deserve it. I want to tell you how I feel, how confused and lost I am. But I’m afraid my dreams would come true. I’m afraid you would leave me because it would be too much for you. I’m happy you didn’t notice I’ve changed again. It seems I’m a good actress. Sometimes I wish you would see the pain I’m feeling, I wish you would understand the emptiness inside me.
You hug me from behind and kiss me on my cheek. “We should go now, it’s late.”
I don’t want to go to this party of yours. I would rather stay at home and sleep. I’m so tired. I’ve should have told you I don’t want to go. Now it’s a bit too late. We’re already dressed up. You’re in your tuxedo and I’m in my fabulous red dress. I should get myself ready to smile at your co-workers jokes all evening. I know I should behave myself because this means a lot to you. You’ll be promoted next week and nothing can go wrong. I’m exhausted, dressing up and putting on my make-up was too much for me. And now I have to pretend I’m the happiest person on earth. I am very happy for your promotion I know you’ve worked hard for this and I know how much this means to you. But I’m only happy for you because any of this doesn’t make me happy at all.