Sunday 14 November 2010

The balcony

I’m standing on the balcony. Not too close to the fence though. After five years of living on the 12th floor I’m still not used to the height and it’s still scary. I never stand too close to the fence even though I’m often wondering how long would the fall take if I would jump. I wish I had paid more attention in physics class and I could calculate the time of falling.
“Are you thinking of jumping?”  You’re joking. You don’t know I’m actually thinking of jumping. I didn’t hear you coming.
“No.” it’s easier to lie. I don’t want to cause you any more trouble. You’ve been worrying about me enough. I don’t want to put you in that place again. You don’t deserve it. I want to tell you how I feel, how confused and lost I am. But I’m afraid my dreams would come true. I’m afraid you would leave me because it would be too much for you. I’m happy you didn’t notice I’ve changed again. It seems I’m a good actress. Sometimes I wish you would see the pain I’m feeling, I wish you would understand the emptiness inside me.
You hug me from behind and kiss me on my cheek. “We should go now, it’s late.”
 
I don’t want to go to this party of yours. I would rather stay at home and sleep. I’m so tired. I’ve should have told you I don’t want to go. Now it’s a bit too late. We’re already dressed up. You’re in your tuxedo  and I’m in my fabulous red dress. I should get myself ready to smile at your co-workers jokes all evening. I know I should behave myself because this means a lot to you. You’ll be promoted next week and nothing can go wrong. I’m exhausted, dressing up and putting on my make-up was too much for me. And now I have to pretend I’m the happiest person on earth. I am very happy for your promotion I know you’ve worked hard for this and I know how much this means to you. But I’m only happy for you because any of this doesn’t make me happy at all.

12 comments:

  1. Besides the part where you have lived on the 12th floor, this post resonates extremely loudly to me. I still do things to make others happy. Why? Because it makes me happy to see others happy. I hope this is not the case for you because you would be spending the rest of your life wondering why you aren't happy. Please take the time to find out what makes you happy and work towards it.

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  2. Don't worry, this is fictional story... It's all my imagination. I'm living in 5th floor and I don't want to jump down :)
    But thank you anyway for your nice comment. *hug*

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  3. Nice post Starlight.... I was left wondering if it was what you really felt until I saw your previous comment.... *hug*....

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  4. Love this post. You have a great imagination.

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  5. That was good. I'd like to read something longer by you, you have a nice way of maintaining the tension here.

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  6. Here at the recommendation of Baglady. She has excellent taste; I really liked this. Excellent narrative voice, one I wanted to hear more from.

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  7. Thanks to all of you for your nice comments. I'll try to write more imaginary things since you all like it :)

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  8. Whew, don't jump from the 12th or 5th! We would miss reading your pieces!
    Very well written and it does hit home, a bit. Sometimes, we must all reach a place where we wonder if anyone knows what is going on inside of us. We are shouting and no one seems to hear. Red dress! All dressed up and all they see if what we show them...do those people in our lives, those who are our actual lifelines, really know how we feel? Do we dare let them see what is real?

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  9. I'm glad that was fictional, yikes. Great post.

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  10. Cool mini-story. I actually felt how she felt 'cause of the great choice of words. :) Keep writing!

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  11. So I too, was left wondering if this was how you really felt, until I read the comments! Great writing.

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  12. @Jules - I won't jump from any floor, don't worry... This story (also Left behind and The party) is fictional... But the questions you've raised are interesting...

    @Sandy, With cherry on the freakin' top & Jobonster - Thanks, I'm glad you all like it. It continues in my next blog - The party :)

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