The Five Landmarks of 2010

The 2010 is coming to an end and I was recently thinking about things/moments/people/changes which marked this year for me.

I decided to write a blog post about it and call it The Five landmarks of 2010.

Here is my list, in no particular order:

1.    One of the most important changes in my life was when I admitted to myself that I’m depressed. It wasn’t easy to admit such a thing to myself but I’m much better now that I’ve reached out for help. I’m seeing a psychologist and taking anti-depressants and I’m slowly getting better.

I would like to say thank you to Mr. Starlight because you’ve been so sweet, patient and considerate in the past year. I don’t know what I would do without your help and I know that I’ve said thank you a million times but I will never be able to do for you what you’ve done for me. Thank you darling, I love you so much.

2.      The scariest moment this year was when my little sister Pia sent me a text message saying that my other sister Klara is in the hospital because she badly hurt herself. My world stopped for a moment.  

I called my Mom and she didn’t pick up so I called Pia and asked her what’s going on and if Klara is going to be ok. She told me that Klara fell from a 5 meter (approx. 16 feet) ledge and landed on her head. . Mr. Starlight and I immediately drove to the hospital and when I walked into Klaras room I was shocked. I couldn’t say anything because I could barely stop myself from crying. She had a swollen eye and she could barely open it. She also had a wound on her forehead and smaller bruises and it looked very badly.

She smiled when I came to her bedside and I hugged her happily knowing that she’ll be alright.

3.      In July Mr. Starlight and I went on a road trip around the Europe for a month. We drove through Switzerland, Lichtenstein, France, Luxembourg, The Netherlands, Belgium, United Kingdom (ok, we only visited London but we were in The UK, that counts, right?), Italy and Monaco. It was the best road trip ever and we had so much fun.

 I could write a lot more about this but it would turn out to be a post about    the road trip, so I’ll stop here.

4.      Because of my depression I had problems with my studies and I thought I won’t pass my second year. It was really rough two months for me but Mr. Starlight and his mother was telling me I can do it all the time. They really helped me and believed in me when even I didn’t and I’m really grateful for that. With their encouragement and a lot of studying I’m now in my third year of studies.

5.      In October I started writing my blog. I had problems sleeping and one night at about 2 am I wrote my first blog post I'm a virgin. Since then I’m regularly writing about all sorts of things and I think this also helps me cope with my depression. A few people are regularly reading and commenting on my blog which I really appreciate. It’s nice to know that someone is interested in my writing and it keeps me doing it.

   A huge thanks to all of you out there who read my posts and leave me   comments. I’m really grateful for this and it means so much to me.

There are so many wonderful and talented writers out there and I also enjoy reading their (your) posts, not just writing mine.

So, here are five things I wanted to share with you.

I would love to see it if you, dear reader and fellow blogger, would also write about five things that marked this year for you. I hope I encouraged you to write down your own list and if you do, please leave me a link, I would love to read it.

Love,

Starlight 

About happiness

This is another post from Jennys point of view. 

I’m early again, as usual. In these days most people are always in a hurry and late which I really hate. I’m sure Nancy and Tina will come 5 minutes early, they always do and I really respect them for it. They’re not like Emma who’s always late. I really wish she would be here, I love planning events with her.

“Hey darling, we’re not late, are we?” Nancy is always so well spoken. She and Tina come in a package. They’ve been best friends since primary school and they are soul mates. They complete each others sentences, smile together and cry together. I’m a bit jealous of them because it’s not like this with me and Emma. I would love to cry with her but she always shuts me out.

“Where’s Emma? Should we wait for her?” Tina is the one who probably understands Emma much better than I do. She had also lost a baby but she dealt with it much better than Emma did. I really admire her, she is so strong.

“No, Emma is not coming. I though you knew. Tim and her are spending their holidays in Seychelles. I thought she told you.” Though I’m not surprised she didn’t. She wouldn’t tell me if I wouldn’t call her yesterday.

The waitress comes and we order a bottle of wine. This is our tradition when we meet for lunch.

“Oh, how nice. I’m sure they’ll have a wonderful time there.” Said Nancy. It’s obvious that she doesn’t have a clue about what’s going on with Emma. She’s a brilliant actress I have to give her that. Should I tell Nancy and Tina what’s going on with Emma? Maybe they would have an idea how to help her.

“She’s looking forward to this trip. She really needs a vacation since she’s working all the time.” It’s better to wait and tell them later, after the party. I don’t want to ruin the New Years Eve for them.

“Well, that’s wonderful. She’s been very busy lately, yes, she didn’t answer the phone or return any of my calls. Is there anything wrong with her?” Tina is an excellent observer. But I still don’t want them to worry because they can’t help Emma in the next few weeks. I’ll tell them later.

“No, there’s nothing wrong with her, not that I would know.” I hate lying to them but I think it’s the best I can do at this moment. The waitress brings the wine and pours it into our glasses. I take a long sip. It’s really good wine, I should buy a bottle to take home since I’m spending the evening alone. Again.

“Jen, my mom is divorcing her third husband and she wants to hire you to re-decorate her house. She said she’ll call you soon.” I didn’t know she’s divorcing again. She hired me when her first husband, Tina’s father, died because she wanted to move on and she didn’t want the furniture to remain the same. She did the same thing when she divorced her second husband and it seems that she’s doing the same now which is good for me. No one has hired me for two months now.

“I would love to help her out. How is she doing?” I’m not surprised that Tina doesn’t care so much about her mother’s divorce. She never approved of her mother getting re-married and she never liked her second or third husband.

“She’s ok. She just wants to get rid of the things that remind her of him.” I understand her mother. I re-decorated our apartment when I figured out that Mark’s cheating on me. But I didn’t accomplish anything. He’s still doing it and I want to get rid of the new furniture because it reminds me of him cheating on me. Maybe, I should get rid of him.

“I have better news.” Says Nancy. “We’re trying to get pregnant.” This is not a surprise. Nancy and Jim have a perfect life. I smile. It’s a fake smile though; I don’t want them to know how unhappy I am. I didn’t tell anyone about Marks affair because I don’t want their pity.

I’m really happy for her but I want to have a perfect husband and a perfect marriage too. I want to have a child but I don’t want to have a child with my cheating husband.

And the award goes to....

I just found out that I got my first blogging award which made me very very happy (try to imagine me jumping around and dancing my happy dance).

A very talented and sweet blogger Christine passed the award to me and I didn’t even notice that I’m one of the five bloggers she had chosen so she sent me an email asking if I noticed I won the award (I’m very busy studying). Isn’t that really sweet of her? Do check out her blog.

I’m really happy I won the award and very honoured since there are so many talented and gifted writers out there.

Christine, thank you again, you really made my day!

Now I’m supposed to share five random facts about myself since that’s the tradition when receiving this award.

This sound’s much easier than it actually is, but I’ll give it a try. Here are random facts about me (in no particular order):

1.      I talk in my sleep. And not just talk… I have long conversations, sometimes with myself and sometimes with Mr. Starlight. A couple of nights ago I was talking to myself in English (or so I was told) and this is a bit weird since my mother tongue is Slovenian.

2.      I love cactuses. I used to collect them but then I moved away from home and now I don’t have any idea where my collection is. I’m sad because of it but I don’t have space in my small apartment for all those cactuses and I always forget to ask my Mum where they are.

3.      I’m a huge Formula 1 fan. I’ve watched it every Sunday after lunch with my Dad and we had always fought about it since we never supported the same driver or team. I still watch it and I’m really happy that Mr. Starlight is also a fan since less and less people enjoy watching this wonderful motorsport.

4.      I own a BlackBerry Curve 8900 (random, ha?). I really wanted one and I got it for my birthday in March. I still love it as much as I did it when I got it (this is very unusual for me since i get bored with every phone in a couple of weeks).

5.      I "ran over" a motorcyclist once. Well actually he hit me... I cut him of in a T-junction and he crashed into me. The police said it was my fault, because I cut him off, but he was driving way over the speed limit and I didn't see him, because he was coming around a corner really fast and by the time he was in my eyesight it was too late, so I really think it was actually his fault.  I had to go in front of a judge, and I got 60 hours of community service. I hate motorcyclists since then.

This was a really hard task (believe it or not, I was writing this for about 45 minutes). But now I have an even harder task to do, following the tradition: Choosing five (just five!!) bloggers to pass the award to.

There are so many excellent writers on my reading list and I would love to pass the award to all of them. But I have to choose just five. So here they are:

Bth - http://littlelightinlondon.blogspot.com/

Louba - http://beautifulorpractical.blogspot.com/

Barbara - http://notesfromthesecondhalf.blogspot.com/

Sharon - http://resistantbutpersistent.blogspot.com/

With cherry on the freakin’ top - http://witcherry.blogspot.com/

Check out their blogs, they are all very talented writers and they all have different styles of writing so I’m sure you won’t be bored.

Love,

Starlight

The cheating bastard

Dear reader, this “chapter” is from Jennys (Emmas best friend) point of view. I’ve decided to try and write it from another point of view and I hope you’ll like it. Please do tell me what you think about it; as always – constructive criticism is very welcome.

Mark’s calling me, should I answer? I’m sure he’s calling to inform me that he’ll be late tonight. I should answer maybe something’s wrong.

“Hello.” I’m trying to sound as normal as I can; I don’t want him to know how much he’s hurting me.

“Hey honey I’m just calling to tell you that I won’t make it to dinner tonight. I’m really sorry but I have so much work to do. This new project we’re working on is very complicated and time consuming.” Honey??? Seriously, he has the guts to call me honey? I can’t believe it. And I’ve been listening to this same excuse for months now, he should make up a new one. Does he really think I believe him? I did for the first couple of times he said he was working late. But I don’t anymore, I’m not stupid.

“Ok.” I hang up. I really don’t know what he expects me to say. I don’t want to think about this. I want to forget about it and put it aside. I have to distract myself. We really should make plans for New Years party, we’re really late this year. I hope that I’ll be able to involve Emma; I’m really worried about her. She’s been avoiding me and I think that she’s avoiding everyone. It seems her problems are coming back and I would like to help her but I don’t want to be pushy. I’m calling her and I hope she’ll pick up. She hung up. That’s nothing new; I could expect this from her; she wasn’t answering my calls for a couple of weeks and I had to call Tim to ask him what’s going on with her. He told me what I already knew; she’s having another episode of depression.

She’s calling back, that’s a victory.

“Hey Jen, what’s up?”  She sounds much better than the last time I had spoken to her. It actually seems to me like she’s in a pretty good mood. Is she on anti-depressants again? I hope she is because I don’t see any other way for her to get better; I would like to help her but I don’t know how to approach her. It’s like I’m talking to a stranger, not my best friend.

“Tomorrow at 4p.m., the usual place. No excuses, we’re making plans for a New Years party.”  This sounded a bit harsh. I manage to use the wrong words every time I talk to her. I’m so nervous because I’m trying to say the right thing, I’m trying to show her that I’m here and that I want to help. But it always comes out wrong.

“Jen, I’m really sorry but I won’t make it. I have tons of things on my to do list because we’re leaving on Thursday. We've decided to spend the holidays in Seychelles.”  That’s a good decision, I’m really happy for her; I would love to go somewhere warm too. Maybe some time off would be an opportunity to save my marriage. I don’t know if I want to save it though. Mark’s been cheating on me for quite some time now and he’s really bad at hiding it.

“You didn’t say anything. I’m surprised. Well it’s wonderful that you’re going over there, I’m sure you’ll love it. It’s wonderful and warm. I have to admit that I’m a bit disappointed though. I expected to spend the New Years Eve with you, just like for the last eight years.” I shouldn’t say I’m disappointed although I am. I would like to talk to her and tell her about my problems; tell her how lonely I am and how much I miss our endless conversations. But I’m in no position to complain to her; she’s in a much worse situation than I.

“I’m sorry. I’m sure you won’t miss us and it’ll be a wonderful party. I have to go now I’m meeting Tim and I just noticed how late I am. Bye.” It’ll be a wonderful party or at least we’ll pretend it is. Mark and I became very good at pretending and the others will try to avoid any awkwardness.

Maybe I should also pack my things and go away for a while; I would love to but I don’t have any money to do it. My business isn’t going so well. We would be flat broke if Mark wouldn’t earn so much. I could take money from our joint bank account; if he’s cheating on me I can at least enjoy his money. 

Christmas shopping

My phone rings. It’s Jenny. I should go talk to her outside; I don’t like to talk on the phone when I’m in the bookshop because I hate it when people have their conversations while I’m trying to buy some books. I reject the call and go outside; I’m sure she won’t mind I hung up on her. And maybe I could buy a book for her too. So many gifts to buy yet so little time. Its the 17^th of December today and we’re leaving on the 23^d, and I haven’t even done my Christmas shopping list yet. I really have to do the list today and the shopping tomorrow.

“Hey Jen, what’s up?”   I’m already outside and I call her back. I could ask her what she wants for her Christmas present. Or… that’s a great idea… I could buy presents in Seychelles.

“Tomorrow at 4p.m., the usual place. No excuses, we’re making plans for a new year party.”   Of course, I forgot to tell Jenny about Seychelles. I hope she’ll take it better than my Mom did. She really hated the idea of me being away for the holiday season though I can’t see the reason why.

“Jen, I’m really sorry but I won’t make it. I have tons of things on my to do list because we’re leaving on Thursday. We've decided to spend the holidays in Seychelles.”   I’m sure she’ll be disappointed but she’s not the control freak me or my Mom are, so it won't completely destroy her plans.

“You didn’t say anything. I’m surprised. Well it’s wonderful that you’re going over there, I’m sure you’ll love it. It’s wonderful and warm. I have to admit that I’m a bit disappointed though. I expected to spend the New Years Eve with you, just like for the last eight years.”   She really is disappointed but I can’t stay here just because she wants me to. I want to get away. That’s all I know right now.

“I’m sorry. I’m sure you won’t miss us and it’ll be a wonderful party. I have to go now I’m meeting Tim and I just noticed how late I am. Bye.”  I hang up and hurry. We’re meeting at a restaurant two blocks away and then I have to go back to the bookshop and find that damn book. Luckily I saw Tim reading a review of some book on architecture a couple of days ago. He was quite excited about it and I have to find it. What else could I buy for him? I really have no idea, he has everything.

I come to the restaurant and I notice you in a second. I can’t miss your blonde hair and slim figure which stand out in the crowd. I hope didn't wait for me for too long. But you know me, you know how easily distracted I am and how often I forget about the time.

“I’m sorry I’m late again.”   You hear this every time we’re meeting somewhere. You don’t seem upset; in fact it seems to me that you’re in a very good mood. I hope you didn’t buy that book. You’re like a small child; you get so happy and enthusiastic when you get a new book. Though children nowadays don't get excited about books, it’s usually about computers and videogames.

“I didn’t expect you to be here on the time.”   You’re smiling and making jokes. What are you hiding? I’m sure you’re planning something I won’t like. The waiter comes and we order.

“Phil is getting married. He proposed to Melinda yesterday.”   Who is Phil? Is he one of your co-workers? I always forget the names of people you work with and that’s one thing you get upset about sometimes. I can’t help myself, I forget the names and it really doesn’t matter how often you mention them. They slip out of my mind as soon as you mention one of them; I really don’t care about details like this.

I think Phil is the name of some attorney at your company. Oh right, he’s the one with the orange hair. At least I think so.

“Phil is the one with the orange hair, right?”   I’m very careful when asking this; I really don’t want to upset you. You nod. Uh, that’s a relief. Luckily I’m a good guesser.

“I thought they met at the Christmas party last year. Did I mistake them with someone else?”   I’m sure they’re the ones; I remember this because they met at the Christmas party and by New Years they had already moved in together . I remember saying that they'll last for a couple of months only. But it looks like I was wrong.

“They seem happy together. What do you think about marriage?”   Are you joking? Is this a proposal? No, you’re probably just asking me what I think about their engagement.

“I think it’s a bit quick, don’t you think? They’ve been together for less than a year.”   Don’t you think it’s too early? You’re a very reasonable person and usually you try to convince your friends not to do stupid things.

“I was asking you what do you think about marriage not what do you think about them getting married.”   You smile.

“Are you proposing?”   Don’t say yes, please. I don’t want to say no to you, but I can’t say yes either.

100 words: Choco power

Something’s missing, I don’t feel complete.

I know what’s missing.

I go to the kitchen and boil the water. Meanwhile I fill the strainer with little brown bits. Two spoons are enough for the perfect taste.

The water is boiled. I take my favourite blue cup from the shelf and put the strainer in. I pour the water into the cup.

I wait for 8 minutes before I take the strainer out. Two spoons of brown sugar and a little bit of milk. Perfect.

I sit down with my favourite Choco power tea and nothing is missing. I feel complete.

The diet

“I’m so hungry, I would kill for a nice big steak right now.” Said a friend of mine a couple of days ago while we were having a cup of coffee.

“Well, let’s go to a restaurant and we’ll both have one.” I’m always hungry and you don’t have to ask me twice if I want to eat. I’m saying yes even before you've finished asking me.

“I can’t.” She replied with a sad look in her eyes.

“Why not? It’s not an expensive restaurant, I don’t have enough money to go to a fancy restaurant either.” We’re both students and we can’t afford to eat in expensive fancy restaurants even though we would love to.

She looked at me with an even sadder face and said:”No, it’s not that. I’m on a diet.”

Well that’s a whole different story… I have an opinion about diets and I would like to say that I was never on a diet in my life but I would lie. Even though I always said I would never go on a diet when I was watching my friends suffer because they were hungry and sad – just because they were on a freaking diet – I did try. And I also figured out that it’s really not my cup of tea.

I’ve always been very thin but when I was diagnosed with a coeliac disease and started my gluten-free diet (it’s not that kind of diet, because I’m not doing it voluntarily, I'm not supposed to eat food which contains gluten) I gained some weight. It's not like I’m fat, not at all, but I gained a belly because all the food I eat goes there. I really hate my belly!

With gaining weight I also found out that maybe slimming cure isn’t such a bad idea. I’ve decided I would give it a shot. I’ve read hundreds of forums and even a couple of books and decided that the 90-day diet is the best. The result is amazing - a loss of 15-20 kilograms in 90 days, and it also cures high blood pressure and – which is the most important – you don’t have to give up any type of food. The first day is a protein-day, the second a starch-day, followed by a carbohydrate-day, and the last but not least is a fruit-day. You just have to separate the food, not give it up. Perfect!

So the next day my adventure started. With fruit. With this diet you have to eat fruit for breakfast which was the first thing I didn’t like about it. I don’t like eating fruit in the morning, I don’t feel good if I do. But I was prepared to sacrifice myself for a nice flat belly. I ate a banana and an apple. And then I figured out that you’re allowed to eat just one sort of fruit at a time. I managed to screw up at the very beginning, how encouraging, right?

I didn’t give it up because I knew that I would have meat for lunch. I love meat! I spent my morning thinking about that steak waiting for me in the refrigerator. And when lunch time finally came I was the happiest person in the whole world. I grilled my steak  and a bunch of vegetables. It was delicious and I can’t describe to you how much I enjoyed it.

I also had the same menu for dinner. Just less food. I wasn’t so excided anymore. I don’t like to eat the same food twice in a day. I don’t even like to eat the same food for two days in a row! I started thinking about this diet from a different angle and it didn’t seem so perfect anymore.

But I thought “Hey, I can’t give up after only one day.” And I didn’t.

I woke up the next morning and didn’t want to get out of the bed because I knew that a banana is waiting for me in the kitchen. And a coffee without sugar and  milk. I love coffee with milk and lots of sugar. My only consolation was that I was having risotto for lunch. But instead of risotto with meat like usual it would be with vegetables. That’s not perfect but it’s much better than fruit for breakfast.

So I spent another morning thinking about lunch. It was so lame that I’m ashamed of myself.

I’m happy and proud that I make very tasty risotto so my lunch wasn’t so bad although it didn’t contain any meat. And yes – I’m basically eating meat every day and I enjoy it very much!

In the afternoon I met my friend for a coffee. As usual I ordered coffee with lots of milk and I was very generous in adding sugar. Mistake! I didn’t remember that I was on a diet and that I shouldn’t drink milk on a starch-day. And of course I didn’t remember that I’m not allowed to consume sugar. But I did enjoy my coffee very much. Much more than my dinner which was, guess what… risotto. The same one I ate for lunch.

I went to bed asking myself why am I doing this. I came to realize that I’m the same as those girls I always pitied – I was on a diet, hungry and sad. This realization made me so angry that I went to the kitchen and made myself a huge sandwich with a little bread and lots of salami and even more cheese.

This was my famous two day diet, and I couldn’t even get through these two. Don’t judge me. And those of you who are vegetarians – don’t judge me because I love meat. I don’t see a good reason why I would torture myself with a diet if I’m already forced to have a strict gluten-free diet. I can’t eat a lot of things I would die for. And I would literally die if I ate them, so that’s why I don't.

I’m just not diet material. I love food and I love to eat.

What about Seychelles

I come to the door of our apartment and start to unlock it. I love the sound of the lock because I know that in a moment or two I’ll be in the safe shelter of my apartment where no one can hurt me.

Your shoes are in the hallway so you’re obviously at home. I walk to the centre of our apartment which is a huge room – a combined living and dining room. The kitchen is separated by an oval kitchen bar. You’ve obviously been cooking it smells lovely. There is festive cover on the kitchen table and candles. Are we celebrating something? Did I forget about our anniversary or something? I’m sure I didn’t. Our anniversary is in May and your birthday in March.

“Hey honey, what’s going on? Did I miss something?” I’m a bit nervous. Is this an ambush? Do you want to persuade me to go away for two months and leave my job? You should know me better, I’m not going to leave my job just because you think it’s a good idea.

“No, I’ve just wanted to surprise you with a nice romantic dinner.” This could definitively be an ambush. What do you want this time? To move to another country? Adopt a child? Buy a dog? I don’t like dogs. Or will you just continue where I stopped you the last time by leaving the restaurant. It was a couple of days ago and we haven’t talked about this since then.

“Sit down, I’ll bring the food. Would you like a glass of wine?” I would prefer a whole bottle. I’ll probably need it.

“Yes please.” You bought my favourite wine, how nice of you. Do you want to get me drunk so that I would agree with you? I make a sip of wine and I wish I could light a cigarette. You bring the dinner to the table. It’s baked salmon and baked potatoes with vegetables.

“It smells wonderful.” It really does. It’s a nice surprise and the food is wonderful. I know that we should spend more quality time together but I don’t feel like it. I feel bad about it but I can’t help it. I should force myself to spend more time with you but you know me very well, you would know that I’m faking it.

“I’ve been thinking.” This is not a good sign. I’m sure you’ve been thinking and I’m also sure I won’t like what you’ve been thinking about. “I’m really sorry that I said that you should leave your job. I know it’s important to you.” That’s an even bigger surprise. I don’t even know what to say. “I just want the best for you and I think that it’s not good for you if you work all the tame and don’t think about your problems. You won’t solve anything if you won’t confront the problems.” I knew it was too beautiful to be true. If you planned a nice romantic dinner you just failed. I don’t want another lecture from you.

“I’ve also been thinking about this. And I think it might be good for us and especially for me to go away for a while, but certainly not for two months. Maybe 2 weeks for Christmas?” I’m sure this will mean a lot to you. And some time away from everything would probably be good for me. If we weren’t here I wouldn’t have to deal with my Mom. I really don’t want to go to the family dinner this year. I should talk about this with my psychologist but I’m sure she’ll think it’s a good idea to go away.

“That would be great.” This salmon is really tasty, you’ve done a great job. You’re a very good cook, if you weren’t such an amazing architect I would try to convince you to change your profession.

“I would like to go someplace warm. What do you think about Seychelles?” I’ve always wanted to go there. Jenny and her husband went there for their honeymoon and she said it was perfect. The pictures were more than perfect. Cristal clear water, amazing hotels, hot weather in the middle of winter. What more could I want? Another glass of this wine. Oh, you’ve noticed and filled up my glass. You’re really nice and sweet. I don’t know why you’re still sticking with me. You could find a normal woman, who would give you what you want and need. But you’re here, dealing with all my problems.

“I’m in. We could go to the agency tomorrow and make reservations. After work at about 5p.m.?” I thought I would work late tommorrow. But I can still go back to work when we arrange everything.

“I’ve also made dessert. Your favourite chocolate cake.” You really are a treasure. I adore chocolate cake. You go to the kitchen and slice the cake. I’m sure I’ll get a huge slice.

“You’re so sweet. Thank you for all this.” I really mean it. I don’t know how I would get through all this without you.

“I love you Emma. You know this, right?” I know.

Lonely boy

I love riding with a city bus. I already wrote about how it calms me down here. A couple of days ago I was on a city bus on my way to the university. It was what I would call an ordinary winter day. It was snowing a bit, not too much but just enough to make you wet if you didn’t have an umbrella. Drivers in cars were nervous as they always are when it’s snowing outside. It was a chaos on the streets, cars humping and changing lanes all the time just to get to their destination a little bit quicker. Slush on the pavements was the reason why the pedestrians were nervous. They wanted to get to a warm and dry place where it wasn’t snowing and the floor weren’t slippery. As I said – an ordinary winter day.

The bus stopped at a station and I redirected my attention from the madness on the street to the people standing on the station, waiting for their bus to come. They all seemed nervous, most of them were without an umbrella so their hair and clothes were wet. They were impatiently staring at their watches and down the street to see if their bus was coming. Everyone seemed annoyed and cranky because the weather was awful and they all needed to be somewhere.

At one moment I noticed a boy running to catch the bus. He tried to maneouvre through the crowd at the station with his bag bouncing on his shoulders. A bunch of high-school kids were standing on the sidewalk and one of the boys tripped him so this Lonely boy as I named him, almost fell to the floor. Somehow he managed to balance himself so he didn’t fall and he managed to catch the bus. He found a seat near me, and it was faced backwards so I was able to see his face.

He was probably 17 or 18 years old. His dark brown hair was wet because of the snow and his cheeks were red because he was running for the bus. I saw sadness in his dark chocolate coloured eyes. He was nervously looking at the floor. When the bus moved from the station he looked out at those boys who tripped him but quickly turned his head away like he was afraid of them. He looked at me for a moment and seemed sad and ashamed so I smiled at him, hoping that it would comfort him a bit. But he probably thought I was laughing at him since he looked away in an instant.

He wore dark blue jeans and they seemed very old. There was a big hole in them, where his ankle was and they were very ragged at the bottom. His brown shoes weren’t appropriate for this weather and his feet were probably wet. He wore a dark red winter jacket which was probably a couple of years old and at least one size too small for him. It was ripped where the pocket should be.

He seemed intelligent but not very outgoing. I think he doesn’t have a lot of friends and he’s probably bullied in his class. I doubt he ever speaks out for himself because he seemed too shy to say anything. He probably just wants to fit in and doesn’t want to be even less popular.

On the next station three girls came on the bus and he looked at them. His face changed, it became softer and I saw his eyes sparkle. One of the girls said hi to him and then all three of them started laughing. I assume they are class mates and he’s probably in love with the pretty blond one. He was looking at her with a mixture of passion and tenderness in his eyes. I don’t know if she didn’t notice or she just ignored it. She is probably the popular girl and it would inappropriate if she would like him.

The bus was approaching the next station and he stood up. He looked to where the girls were and then he turned around and went to the door to wait for the bus to stop. He was nervously changing his feet and looked at the girls once again. They didn’t even notice him anymore, they were too busy talking about the shoes one of them saw the other day.

The bus stopped and he pressed the button to open the door. He looked at me and nervously smiled, obviously he knew I wasn’t laughing at him. Then he stepped off the bus.

Mom

I’m on my way home from work and I wish I had stayed longer. It would be nice to come home and find you asleep so we wouldn’t have to talk. The phone rings. It’s my mom, the last person I want to talk to.

“Hey mom.”

“Hello Emma. I’ve been calling you for two weeks now and you don't answer. What’s going on?” I’m 32 years old and I have to answer to my mom? She still thinks I’m a little girl.

“I’ve been working a lot, sorry.” I know that’s not an excuse for her but she’ll have to deal with it.

“You’re working too much. These people are taking advantage of you. Stand up for yourself.”

“Mom, no one is taking advantage of me, I love my job!” She wouldn’t understand how relaxing being at work for a whole day is for me. You don’t understand. You think I’m avoiding you.

“Do you eat enough?” How typical. She thinks everything’s ok if I just eat enough.

“Yes mom, I’m not a little child anymore.” I've been telling her that for the past 10 years but I’ll always be a child to her. Well I am her child and I always will be.

“I’m calling you to tell you that we’re having a Christmas dinner at our house this year. At 5p.m.” Did I miss something? Today is the 2^nd of December and she’s already making plans for Christmas dinner?

“Mom, Christmas is 3 weeks from now. Aren’t you a bit early with the plans?” I wish I could vanish for a month and avoid this holiday madness.

“I know Christmas is still far away but since you’re too busy to pick up your phone when I’m calling I thought I should invite you as soon as possible. I don’t want you to make any other plans.” That’s a great idea. I should tell her we already have plans. I hope she’ll buy it.

“Mom, we already have some plans so we'll probably not be spending this Christmas with you guys.” I don’t know why we have a Christmas dinner every year, it's not like we're religious or something, it's just a stupid family tradition.

“That’s just not acceptable. You can’t break the tradition.” I should have expected this reaction.

“Mom, I’m an adult I can do whatever I want whenever I want. And why are we having these dinners anyway? We’re not religious.” I don’t want to fight with her but I hate it when she tries to arrange my life.

“It’s a tradition and traditions are important.” Not to me. Maybe I should accept your offer and go away for two months.

“I don’t want to fight. We’ll see…” She hangs up. This really means a lot to her. More than I thought.

Jenny

I really love chemistry because it's so easy to understand. You have to know the characteristics of the elements before combining them. You can make a lot of interesting experiments and you can predict the results very closely. It’s much easier to understand relations between chemistry elements than relationships between people. That’s why I have a doctorate in chemistry, not psychology.

My phone rings. It’s my best friend Jenny. She never calls me when I’m working unless it’s urgent. “Hey Jenny, what’s going on?” I really hope it’s not bad news.

“I’m just calling to invite you for a drink later today. Around 5p.m.?” That’s a surprise. Usually she sends me a text message about such things while I’m working. I’m really not in the mood for drinks. She’s so damn cheerful. But I don’t have a good excuse. That’s probably why she’s calling me, since I turned down the last six invitations she sent via text messages. She knows I can’t come up with an excuse so quickly.

“I don’t know when I’ll finish working.” This isn’t a lie although I can leave whenever I want since I’ve worked overtime almost every day in the past few months.

“Emma, you’re the leader of your department, you can leave whenever you want. See you at 5, the usual place.” She hangs up. It seems I don’t have a choice, I’ll have to see her today.

I’m on my way to see Jenny. I haven’t seen her for almost two months which is unusual. Normally we have a lunch together at least once a week. I’ve been avoiding her. I’ve been avoiding everyone – Jenny, my Mom, my sister Karen. I’ve been avoiding everyone who could notice that I’m not ok because I don’t want them to worry about me. And I don’t want to talk about my problems anymore.

“You have a new haircut. It’s lovely!” I’ve had this haircut for over a month now but Jenny hasn’t seen me for a long time so it’s new to her. I’m glad she likes it, but now she’ll probably talk about her problems with her hair.

“I’ve gone to a new hairdresser again. Maybe I should go to yours, he has done an excellent job.” The waitress comes and I order a glass of wine.

“I though we could eat something. They have a new chef, he’s from France and I’ve heard he’s amazing.” I’ve heard about this new chef too but I don’t want to eat anything because I want to go home as soon as possible.

“I don’t have time to eat right now. I have something to do so I can’t stay for long.” I try to sound convincing and I hope she’ll buy it. We’ve known each other for 10 years now and she usually knows when I’m lying. But not this time.

“You shouldn’t work so much. I’m worried about you.” I’m working to distract myself, you shouldn’t be worried about me working too much. Now you’re having your monologue about balancing your life, this should distract you for at least 10 minutes. I’m not interested in balancing my life since I’m a total mess right now. The waitress brings me the wine. It’s very tasty. I love white wine.

“Were are we going for New Year’s Eve this year? We have to make plans it’s already December.” You’ve changed the topic. I don’t want to make plans for any celebrations. How could I avoid this?

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about this at all.” That’s completely true. And I don’t want to think about this in the future either. You should make your plans without me this year. I’ll probably stay at home.

“Well, I’ll talk to the other girls and we should meet this week and make plans and reservations. We’re so late we probably won’t get anything. Maybe I could organise something at my place. That would be so much fun.” You can do whatever you want just don’t force me into planning.

“I should go now.” I have to leave before you try to convince me to help you plan the party. I used to love event planning and I was good at doing it since I’m a control freak but I don’t have strength to plan right now.

“You just came here.” You look at my empty glass of wine and seem surprised. Usually I drink my wine slowly and enjoy it. Not today.

“I told you I’m busy. I’m really sorry, I’ll call you next week.” I kiss her on the cheek and leave.

“I’ll call you this week, we have to get together and plan things!” I’ll pretend I didn’t hear her.

Bad memories

Lately I’m often thinking about that day. You don't lose a baby every day. The correct term would be the foetus but I can’t stand this expression. It was my baby, my little baby girl and I lost her. I’ve been pregnant for only nine weeks but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love her. She wasn’t planned but it happened and it made us so incredibly happy. She was wanted and loved. She was my little baby girl…

Somewhere deep inside I think you blame me for losing her. You never said it and when I asked you if you blame me you denied it. But maybe deep down in your heart you blame me and even you’re not aware of that.

I never saw you cry before but that day you were inconsolable. You rushed to the hospital and I saw your red eyes, you were crying. Now you’re denying it because you want to be strong for me. It means so much to me that I didn’t lose both of you especially since I’ve pushed you away when we lost her. I was pushing you away but you never went anywhere, you were always there for me. Even on that day…

I know that suicide isn’t a solution. I was looking for a way out of my pain. It was too much for me and I didn’t have a reason to live anymore. The pills were deceiving me. I thought it would be easier. It probably would be but you came home and saved my life. I should be thankful.

The doors open. You’re late. You probably went for a drink with your colleagues.

“Hey.” You kiss me and it seems that you’re not angry with my anymore. I wouldn’t blame you if you were.

“Hey. Sorry again for my reaction at the lunch.” I am sorry but I still think it’s a mad idea. You sit on a couch next to me and look at me seriously.

“Did you think about it?” You still think we should go away for two months and that I should leave my job. You’re very determined. Well, so am I. Why should I give up my career if I don’t want to.

“I did a bit but I had very busy day. I still think it’s a mad idea.” I hope you understand. I’m the leader of a research department in a big pharmaceutical company and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am today, so I don’t want to give it up.

“Don’t you want to get better? I understand that losing our baby was hard for you. It wasn’t easy for me either but we have to continue with our life. Maybe we should try to have another baby…” You’re seriously thinking of having another baby? I can’t believe it. I don’t want to risk losing another child, it would destroy me.

“I’m not ready. And I don’t want to give up my job and everything I’ve worked very hard for.” I don’t want to talk about having another baby.

“You’re changing the subject.” This is the first time you’ve expressed your desire for another baby. It seems that you really want one. But I’m not ready.

“I’m not ready for this conversation. I’m not ready to have another baby.” I don’t know if I will ever be. 

100 words: Winter dance

I look outside and I see the little white flakes falling down from the sky. They are really little and they are dancing in the air. Their dance from the clouds is magical.

I go on the balcony and stretch out my hand. A couple of little flakes lands on my palm and they melt immediately.

I look up in the sky and admire the work of the nature and this wonderful winter dance amuses me.

With the little white flakes comes the cold so I go back inside and watch this beautiful dance from the warmth of my apartment.

The poisonous steak

“What do you think about going away? Take a break and go somewhere warm.” Your suggestion is very appealing. I knew that something’s going on since you invited me to lunch although you’re very busy with your new project. Normally you eat in your office when you’re working on a new project, especially if it’s such an important one.

“A weekend break sounds interesting.” I would love to go away from everything and everyone. I’m under such a huge pressure here. I have to pretend that everything’s fine all the time because you’re the only one who knows about my condition and I don’t want anyone else to know. And you being aware that I’m not ok isn’t helpful. You’re always breathing down my neck and I know you’re worried and you want to help me but you’re choking me. You’re calling me all the time and sending me text messages when we’re not together. Maybe a relaxing weekend would calm you down a bit.

“I was thinking about taking a longer break. Till the middle of January would be perfect.” That’s a mad idea. Who’s crazy here? The doctors say it’s me not you. Is something wrong with the steak you’re eating? Is it poisoned? Or maybe something’s wrong with my salad and I'm not hearing right. But something’s definitively wrong. I should order a strong liquor instead of water, it would clear my mind.

“That’s more than two months. We can’t leave for such a long time. We both have jobs and you’ve just been promoted. We can’t just leave.” I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. I don’t want to turn your offer down and hurt your feelings.

“I have to utilize my leave and I’m sure that my boss wouldn’t mind. And you don’t have to go back to work anymore. It’s very stressful and you don’t need that right now. We can manage on my salary. A nice raise came along with my promotion, remember?” Your ideas are becoming crazier and crazier. I love my job and I love what I do. I can’t just leave my job and go somewhere warm. What would I do if I wouldn’t work? Sit at home and watch TV all the time?

“I love my job.” I’m so shocked I can’t get anything else out of my mouth. And why the hell are you making these crazy plans without talking to me first? It seems to me that you’ve already planned everything.

“I know you do, but you’re in no condition to work right now. You have to take care of yourself, get better and then think about work and other things.”

“And you think I’ll get better by doing nothing? When I’m working I don’t think about my problems. That’s the only time I can disconnect myself and forget about everything.” Why do you want to take this away from me? You know how much I’ve worked to get where I am. I didn’t get my position at this company easily, I’ve worked very hard.

“Forgetting your problems isn’t a solution. You have to think about things and find a way to get better.” And you know how I’ll get better? Are you a damn shrink or what? I have to go away from here. I can’t breathe.

I get up and leave without saying anything. I see your face in the mirror. You’re shocked. You didn’t expect me to react like this. But what am I supposed to do? You’re trying to arrange my life. I didn’t sign up for this. I have to get a cigarette, there’s a store.

“Why did you leave like this? We have to talk!” You seem angry. I can’t blame you. I just left you sitting at the restaurant like a fool. This wasn’t my intention but I can’t think clearly right now.

“I’m sorry, I need some time to think.” I really do. Who wouldn’t? Can you blame me? We’re already at the counter. I’m sure you won’t like me buying cigarettes. “Cigarettes please.” The cashier looks at me angrily. “Which ones?” She could be nicer. It’s not my fault if she’s unhappy with her job and with her life. I also have problems but I don’t lash out at people. “Marlboro lights please.” I really don’t care which ones, I just need a damn cigarette. “Are you smoking again?” You’re surprised face makes the cashier laugh and you seem to get angrier. I pay and we’re leaving the store. “I need a cigarette, that’s all.” I don’t have to explain my actions to you, you’re not my mother and I’m an adult. I light a cigarette and it feels so good. I feel a bit better.

“Do whatever you want to. I have to go back to work.” I’m not surprised you don’t want to be with me right now. I probably hurt your feelings but I think you understand. I have to think things through and clear my mind.

Going home

This weekend I went back home and I spent a really nice weekend with my family. Though I feel bad because I didn’t do any work for my studies at all. But I’m not sorry about it because I really love spending time with Pia and Klara. They are my little sisters and I already wrote a blog about them.

The centre of our house is our living room/kitchen/dining room. It’s a big open space stretching through half of the floor. This is the space where we hang out, where we have our holiday dinners and  Sunday lunch. This is the place where I watched my little sisters grow up (they’re not so little anymore but they will always be my little sisters).

I love the moment when I walk into this room after being away from home for three weeks. It’s always the same sight. I walk in and yell out “Hellooooo, I’m hooomeeee.” In the next moment Pia and Klara run out of their room and jump on me smiling and yelling “Taja, Taja, Taja, you’re home.” We hug each other for a minute or two and I’m always surprised about how much they’ve grow since I last saw them. I’m realizing that they’re growing up and that they have become intelligent and beautiful young girls.

After this very emotional moment my Mom usually comes to hug me, smiling. We’re all happy that I’m at home.

Last Friday was the same old story except that I came home a bit earlier than I  usually do so we had the whole afternoon to spend together. But my sisters always fight and just when Mom wanted to go out they started yelling and Pia fell on the floor which pissed Mom out because Pia had just recovered from a broken wrist. I told Mom to go out and that I’ll handle the situation. I knew that I’ve reported for mission impossible. But surprisingly after half an hour of talking to them I managed to solve the argument. You can’t imagine how hard it was.

When they were calmed Klara asked if we could watch a movie and I made pop corn with cheese. We had so much fun watching TV and we laughed all the time.

In one moment became very cold so I asked Pia and Klara if they know where I can find Moms cardigan or something to put on. Klara instantly said that she’ll find it for me and after a minute she came back with her favourite blanket. That really touched me because Klara is very protective about her belongings and she’s usually very angry if someone’s touching them.

My parents were gone for the whole afternoon and they didn't returned home until 11p.m. so we had the living room just for ourselves. We had so much fun and we were up until midnight.

The next morning I woke up at 10 or so and Pia and Klara were already up but there was no sight of my parents. So I’ve made a breakfast for us and then they wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I can’t say no to them and I watched the movie with them instead of reading the literature for my studies.

We pretty much watched movies for the whole day and it was fun listening their comments. In one moment I started taking pictures of them with my BlackBerry and even Klara allowed me to take a pic of us. And after some time she even proposed to take a couple of pics of the three of us. That was really extraordinary because she never allows me to take a pic of us.

Saturday was gone in a flash and I was really sorry because I had to leave early in the morning on Sunday. So I kissed Pia and Klara goodbye because I knew they won’t be up the next morning when I’ll go. I was really sad for leaving them but I know that we’re having fun when I’m there and that we probably wouldn’t have so much fun if I was still living at home.