Jenny

I really love chemistry because it's so easy to understand. You have to know the characteristics of the elements before combining them. You can make a lot of interesting experiments and you can predict the results very closely. It’s much easier to understand relations between chemistry elements than relationships between people. That’s why I have a doctorate in chemistry, not psychology.

My phone rings. It’s my best friend Jenny. She never calls me when I’m working unless it’s urgent. “Hey Jenny, what’s going on?” I really hope it’s not bad news.

“I’m just calling to invite you for a drink later today. Around 5p.m.?” That’s a surprise. Usually she sends me a text message about such things while I’m working. I’m really not in the mood for drinks. She’s so damn cheerful. But I don’t have a good excuse. That’s probably why she’s calling me, since I turned down the last six invitations she sent via text messages. She knows I can’t come up with an excuse so quickly.

“I don’t know when I’ll finish working.” This isn’t a lie although I can leave whenever I want since I’ve worked overtime almost every day in the past few months.

“Emma, you’re the leader of your department, you can leave whenever you want. See you at 5, the usual place.” She hangs up. It seems I don’t have a choice, I’ll have to see her today.

I’m on my way to see Jenny. I haven’t seen her for almost two months which is unusual. Normally we have a lunch together at least once a week. I’ve been avoiding her. I’ve been avoiding everyone – Jenny, my Mom, my sister Karen. I’ve been avoiding everyone who could notice that I’m not ok because I don’t want them to worry about me. And I don’t want to talk about my problems anymore.

“You have a new haircut. It’s lovely!” I’ve had this haircut for over a month now but Jenny hasn’t seen me for a long time so it’s new to her. I’m glad she likes it, but now she’ll probably talk about her problems with her hair.

“I’ve gone to a new hairdresser again. Maybe I should go to yours, he has done an excellent job.” The waitress comes and I order a glass of wine.

“I though we could eat something. They have a new chef, he’s from France and I’ve heard he’s amazing.” I’ve heard about this new chef too but I don’t want to eat anything because I want to go home as soon as possible.

“I don’t have time to eat right now. I have something to do so I can’t stay for long.” I try to sound convincing and I hope she’ll buy it. We’ve known each other for 10 years now and she usually knows when I’m lying. But not this time.

“You shouldn’t work so much. I’m worried about you.” I’m working to distract myself, you shouldn’t be worried about me working too much. Now you’re having your monologue about balancing your life, this should distract you for at least 10 minutes. I’m not interested in balancing my life since I’m a total mess right now. The waitress brings me the wine. It’s very tasty. I love white wine.

“Were are we going for New Year’s Eve this year? We have to make plans it’s already December.” You’ve changed the topic. I don’t want to make plans for any celebrations. How could I avoid this?

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about this at all.” That’s completely true. And I don’t want to think about this in the future either. You should make your plans without me this year. I’ll probably stay at home.

“Well, I’ll talk to the other girls and we should meet this week and make plans and reservations. We’re so late we probably won’t get anything. Maybe I could organise something at my place. That would be so much fun.” You can do whatever you want just don’t force me into planning.

“I should go now.” I have to leave before you try to convince me to help you plan the party. I used to love event planning and I was good at doing it since I’m a control freak but I don’t have strength to plan right now.

“You just came here.” You look at my empty glass of wine and seem surprised. Usually I drink my wine slowly and enjoy it. Not today.

“I told you I’m busy. I’m really sorry, I’ll call you next week.” I kiss her on the cheek and leave.

“I’ll call you this week, we have to get together and plan things!” I’ll pretend I didn’t hear her.

Bad memories

Lately I’m often thinking about that day. You don't lose a baby every day. The correct term would be the foetus but I can’t stand this expression. It was my baby, my little baby girl and I lost her. I’ve been pregnant for only nine weeks but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love her. She wasn’t planned but it happened and it made us so incredibly happy. She was wanted and loved. She was my little baby girl…

Somewhere deep inside I think you blame me for losing her. You never said it and when I asked you if you blame me you denied it. But maybe deep down in your heart you blame me and even you’re not aware of that.

I never saw you cry before but that day you were inconsolable. You rushed to the hospital and I saw your red eyes, you were crying. Now you’re denying it because you want to be strong for me. It means so much to me that I didn’t lose both of you especially since I’ve pushed you away when we lost her. I was pushing you away but you never went anywhere, you were always there for me. Even on that day…

I know that suicide isn’t a solution. I was looking for a way out of my pain. It was too much for me and I didn’t have a reason to live anymore. The pills were deceiving me. I thought it would be easier. It probably would be but you came home and saved my life. I should be thankful.

The doors open. You’re late. You probably went for a drink with your colleagues.

“Hey.” You kiss me and it seems that you’re not angry with my anymore. I wouldn’t blame you if you were.

“Hey. Sorry again for my reaction at the lunch.” I am sorry but I still think it’s a mad idea. You sit on a couch next to me and look at me seriously.

“Did you think about it?” You still think we should go away for two months and that I should leave my job. You’re very determined. Well, so am I. Why should I give up my career if I don’t want to.

“I did a bit but I had very busy day. I still think it’s a mad idea.” I hope you understand. I’m the leader of a research department in a big pharmaceutical company and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am today, so I don’t want to give it up.

“Don’t you want to get better? I understand that losing our baby was hard for you. It wasn’t easy for me either but we have to continue with our life. Maybe we should try to have another baby…” You’re seriously thinking of having another baby? I can’t believe it. I don’t want to risk losing another child, it would destroy me.

“I’m not ready. And I don’t want to give up my job and everything I’ve worked very hard for.” I don’t want to talk about having another baby.

“You’re changing the subject.” This is the first time you’ve expressed your desire for another baby. It seems that you really want one. But I’m not ready.

“I’m not ready for this conversation. I’m not ready to have another baby.” I don’t know if I will ever be. 

100 words: Winter dance

I look outside and I see the little white flakes falling down from the sky. They are really little and they are dancing in the air. Their dance from the clouds is magical.

I go on the balcony and stretch out my hand. A couple of little flakes lands on my palm and they melt immediately.

I look up in the sky and admire the work of the nature and this wonderful winter dance amuses me.

With the little white flakes comes the cold so I go back inside and watch this beautiful dance from the warmth of my apartment.

The poisonous steak

“What do you think about going away? Take a break and go somewhere warm.” Your suggestion is very appealing. I knew that something’s going on since you invited me to lunch although you’re very busy with your new project. Normally you eat in your office when you’re working on a new project, especially if it’s such an important one.

“A weekend break sounds interesting.” I would love to go away from everything and everyone. I’m under such a huge pressure here. I have to pretend that everything’s fine all the time because you’re the only one who knows about my condition and I don’t want anyone else to know. And you being aware that I’m not ok isn’t helpful. You’re always breathing down my neck and I know you’re worried and you want to help me but you’re choking me. You’re calling me all the time and sending me text messages when we’re not together. Maybe a relaxing weekend would calm you down a bit.

“I was thinking about taking a longer break. Till the middle of January would be perfect.” That’s a mad idea. Who’s crazy here? The doctors say it’s me not you. Is something wrong with the steak you’re eating? Is it poisoned? Or maybe something’s wrong with my salad and I'm not hearing right. But something’s definitively wrong. I should order a strong liquor instead of water, it would clear my mind.

“That’s more than two months. We can’t leave for such a long time. We both have jobs and you’ve just been promoted. We can’t just leave.” I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. I don’t want to turn your offer down and hurt your feelings.

“I have to utilize my leave and I’m sure that my boss wouldn’t mind. And you don’t have to go back to work anymore. It’s very stressful and you don’t need that right now. We can manage on my salary. A nice raise came along with my promotion, remember?” Your ideas are becoming crazier and crazier. I love my job and I love what I do. I can’t just leave my job and go somewhere warm. What would I do if I wouldn’t work? Sit at home and watch TV all the time?

“I love my job.” I’m so shocked I can’t get anything else out of my mouth. And why the hell are you making these crazy plans without talking to me first? It seems to me that you’ve already planned everything.

“I know you do, but you’re in no condition to work right now. You have to take care of yourself, get better and then think about work and other things.”

“And you think I’ll get better by doing nothing? When I’m working I don’t think about my problems. That’s the only time I can disconnect myself and forget about everything.” Why do you want to take this away from me? You know how much I’ve worked to get where I am. I didn’t get my position at this company easily, I’ve worked very hard.

“Forgetting your problems isn’t a solution. You have to think about things and find a way to get better.” And you know how I’ll get better? Are you a damn shrink or what? I have to go away from here. I can’t breathe.

I get up and leave without saying anything. I see your face in the mirror. You’re shocked. You didn’t expect me to react like this. But what am I supposed to do? You’re trying to arrange my life. I didn’t sign up for this. I have to get a cigarette, there’s a store.

“Why did you leave like this? We have to talk!” You seem angry. I can’t blame you. I just left you sitting at the restaurant like a fool. This wasn’t my intention but I can’t think clearly right now.

“I’m sorry, I need some time to think.” I really do. Who wouldn’t? Can you blame me? We’re already at the counter. I’m sure you won’t like me buying cigarettes. “Cigarettes please.” The cashier looks at me angrily. “Which ones?” She could be nicer. It’s not my fault if she’s unhappy with her job and with her life. I also have problems but I don’t lash out at people. “Marlboro lights please.” I really don’t care which ones, I just need a damn cigarette. “Are you smoking again?” You’re surprised face makes the cashier laugh and you seem to get angrier. I pay and we’re leaving the store. “I need a cigarette, that’s all.” I don’t have to explain my actions to you, you’re not my mother and I’m an adult. I light a cigarette and it feels so good. I feel a bit better.

“Do whatever you want to. I have to go back to work.” I’m not surprised you don’t want to be with me right now. I probably hurt your feelings but I think you understand. I have to think things through and clear my mind.

Going home

This weekend I went back home and I spent a really nice weekend with my family. Though I feel bad because I didn’t do any work for my studies at all. But I’m not sorry about it because I really love spending time with Pia and Klara. They are my little sisters and I already wrote a blog about them.

The centre of our house is our living room/kitchen/dining room. It’s a big open space stretching through half of the floor. This is the space where we hang out, where we have our holiday dinners and  Sunday lunch. This is the place where I watched my little sisters grow up (they’re not so little anymore but they will always be my little sisters).

I love the moment when I walk into this room after being away from home for three weeks. It’s always the same sight. I walk in and yell out “Hellooooo, I’m hooomeeee.” In the next moment Pia and Klara run out of their room and jump on me smiling and yelling “Taja, Taja, Taja, you’re home.” We hug each other for a minute or two and I’m always surprised about how much they’ve grow since I last saw them. I’m realizing that they’re growing up and that they have become intelligent and beautiful young girls.

After this very emotional moment my Mom usually comes to hug me, smiling. We’re all happy that I’m at home.

Last Friday was the same old story except that I came home a bit earlier than I  usually do so we had the whole afternoon to spend together. But my sisters always fight and just when Mom wanted to go out they started yelling and Pia fell on the floor which pissed Mom out because Pia had just recovered from a broken wrist. I told Mom to go out and that I’ll handle the situation. I knew that I’ve reported for mission impossible. But surprisingly after half an hour of talking to them I managed to solve the argument. You can’t imagine how hard it was.

When they were calmed Klara asked if we could watch a movie and I made pop corn with cheese. We had so much fun watching TV and we laughed all the time.

In one moment became very cold so I asked Pia and Klara if they know where I can find Moms cardigan or something to put on. Klara instantly said that she’ll find it for me and after a minute she came back with her favourite blanket. That really touched me because Klara is very protective about her belongings and she’s usually very angry if someone’s touching them.

My parents were gone for the whole afternoon and they didn't returned home until 11p.m. so we had the living room just for ourselves. We had so much fun and we were up until midnight.

The next morning I woke up at 10 or so and Pia and Klara were already up but there was no sight of my parents. So I’ve made a breakfast for us and then they wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I can’t say no to them and I watched the movie with them instead of reading the literature for my studies.

We pretty much watched movies for the whole day and it was fun listening their comments. In one moment I started taking pictures of them with my BlackBerry and even Klara allowed me to take a pic of us. And after some time she even proposed to take a couple of pics of the three of us. That was really extraordinary because she never allows me to take a pic of us.

Saturday was gone in a flash and I was really sorry because I had to leave early in the morning on Sunday. So I kissed Pia and Klara goodbye because I knew they won’t be up the next morning when I’ll go. I was really sad for leaving them but I know that we’re having fun when I’m there and that we probably wouldn’t have so much fun if I was still living at home.

Six Word Sunday III.

I have a busy Sunday again so I’ll be very short today:

Early rising, studying economics, nice lunch

I hope you’ll all enjoy your Sunday and I wish you a nice and successful week :)

The confrontation

I’m walking through the city centre and I’m indignant. It’s in the middle of November and there are already New Year’s decorations everywhere. That’s killing the holiday spirit! Why such a rush?

I used to love holidays but this year I would like to go away from all this. I have to pretend every day and in this time of year people expect everyone to smile all the time and be even happier than on the ordinary days. I’m tired of pretending.

I get a text message. It’s you, of course. “Is there something wrong? You’re late.” I know I’m late, you didn’t have to tell me that. “I’m almost there.” I don’t want you to worry or suspect anything. I’ll be there in a few minutes.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. How long have you been here?” I kiss you. You wanted to go out tonight for a drink in our favourite bar. I’m not in the mood but I couldn’t find any excuse so here I am…

“No, it’s ok. I’ve been here a couple of minutes before I sent you the message.” The waitress comes and I order a glass of wine. You already have your drink.

“Whiskey? What’s the occasion?” You usually drink beer and this whiskey on the table is making me nervous.

You get straight to the point. “We have to talk.” Are my nightmares coming true? Are you leaving me? I don’t care about anything but I can’t bear the thought of life without you. You’ve been my rock for the past seven years and I don’t want to lose you. I should have thought about this before…

“What’s wrong?” I can’t look you in your eyes. The waitress brings me my wine. “Can I get another glass of wine please?” It seems to me I’ll need a whole bottle.

“Is there something wrong with this one? I brought you the one you ordered.” She seems a bit scared.

“No, everything's alright. I think I’ll need another glass of wine, that’s all.”  I try to smile and she’s comforted as she walks away. I drink all the wine and look at you. For the first time since I came here.

“I know what’s going on. I know you’re depressed again. I know you, and I can see when something’s wrong with you.”  The waitress brings me the new glass of wine and I want to drink it and order a whole bottle. But it’s not a good idea to get drunk. Why did you invite me out if you wanted to talk about this? Are you leaving me and you don’t want me to make a scene? And you know I won’t make one in public?

“I invited you out because I think that it would be easier to talk about this in public. I don’t know why and it seems like a set up but I want to help you.” Are you reading my mind? 

“Are you leaving me?” That’s all I can get out of my mouth. You’re laughing. What the hell is wrong with you? What’s so funny here?

“I’m not leaving you. I love you and I’m here for you. I want to help you.” You hug me and I know it’s true. You’re here for me. How could I think that you would leave me if I would tell you that it’s happening all over again?

“I love you!” I really do. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what’s going on.” I start crying.

“I know, its ok. I’m not angry. We’ll get through this together.” I believe you.

Questions - answers

A really nice blogger Maria tagged me to answer the questions bellow; Maria thank you again. Answering 10 questions, a piece of cake, right? Well, when I started answering those questions it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I tried to be interesting so I hope you won’t get bored…

1. Why did you create the blog?

I’ve always loved writing. In primary school I wrote poems and stories and I got a lot of prizes and I’ve even started writing a novel. But then I went to high school and my Slovene teacher hated me. She told my I don’t know how to write and this hurt me so much that I stopped writing. Now I’ve realised that writing’s just what I love to do and I decided I’ll start a blog.

2. What kind of blogs do you follow?

I love to read all sorts of blogs from photography to fashion. But most of all I like to read literary blogs. Some bloggers here are really talented and I admire them very much. I wish that some day I’ll be able to write at least half as good as they do.

3. Favourite makeup brand?

I don’t use a lot of makeup. Most often I use mascara and right now I have Maybelline New York The falsies volum’ express mascara which is awesome! Otherwise I like Bourjois cosmetics. I use a lot of nail polishes because I love to have painted nails. My favourite brand is Catrice cosmetics.  

4. Favourite clothing brand?

I’m not really a brand person. I buy a piece of clothing because I like it and not because of the brand.

5. Your indispensable makeup product?

That would be mascara and nail polish. I love striking colours on my nails – blue, violet and red.

  

6. Your favourite colour?

When I was younger my favourite colour was yellow but now it’s green. I don’t know why…

7. Your perfume?

I have Paco Rabanne’s UltraViolet but I’m in love with Dior – J’adore and it makes me really sad that I can’t afford it. 

8. Your favourite film?

That’s a tough one. Probably Blood diamond and Inception. Leonardo is a really talented actor.

9. What country would you like to visit and why?

Definitively Australia! I love it though I don’t have an apparent reason for it. Maybe because it’s warm there and I love warm weather since my mood swings with weather and I don’t like rain and fog.

10. Write the last question and answer it yourself: What were you in your previous life?

Yes, I believe that I’ve lived before as another person and that I’ll be born again when this body dies. And I also believe that our souls or spirits (I don’t want this soul or spirit to be understood in a religious way!) bring their experiences from previous life into the present life.

I believe that in my previous life I was a repressed woman. The reason for me thinking this is that I really can’t stand any kind of violence against women and I really wish that some day every woman in this world will be able to make her own decisions and live her life the way she wants to.

I would like to read answers to these questions from so many bloggers, but I think I can’t choose all of you… My decision was difficult, but here it is:

Bag Lady

Beautiful or practical

Consequences be damned - confessions of a spitfire

There is grandeur in this view of life   

Three beautiful things: Comments, lunch, Mr. Starlight

I’ve got some really bad news today and the weather is awful so I had a pretty bad day. But since I’m trying to be a more positive person I’ve decided to write a 3BT blog and find at least three highlights of my day…

1. Comments I’ve got from my readers on my yesterday's blog. It seems people like my stories since I’ve got a couple of nice comments saying they want more. I’m really grateful to all of you for supporting me!

2. I’ve had a nice lunch with Mr. Starlight and my good friend T., they got me in a better mood, so really thank you guys, you’re great.

3. Mr. Starlight. He’s always there for me. When I got the bad news today he knew what to do… He was quiet and listened to me yelling and screaming and he let me be angry and upset. Then he hugged me and told me everything’s going to be ok. I don’t know what I would do without him, he’s always there for me and doesn’t give up on me even when I’m as bitchy as I can be sometimes…

The party

There are so many people here and yet I feel so alone and lonely. You’re standing there in the corner, chit-chatting with your boss and his wife. You look at me and you smile. I love your smile, it’s so honest and it hasn’t changed a bit in those 7 years we’ve been together. It’s your special smile just for me. You never smile at  someone else like this. This smile used to make me feel happy I felt the warmth in it. Today I’m just happy that it’s still there that you still love me.

“What do you think about this?” your co-worker I’m talking to asks me. I have no idea what he was talking about. Was it about that project he’s working on? Or did he finish and start a new topic? I really can’t remember he’s so boring I can’t even listen to him. Does he think he’s interesting? Or maybe fun? I feel sorry for him. He’s so uninteresting that no one wants to talk to him, everyone’s avoiding him. I’m one of them.

“I totally agree with you!” This answer usually satisfies this kind of man and they feel so very good about themselves if they get confirmation. He’s giving the impression of a confident man but he always seeks confirmation from others. I should find some excuse to walk away, I can’t stand him anymore. “I’m really sorry, but I have to go to the lady’s room.” A great excuse which always works. And I would really appreciate some fresh air.

“Do you want a cigarette?” Someone asks me the moment I come out of the hotel. “Yes, please.” I stopped smoking three years ago. But at this moment a cigarette is a blessing for me. But now I’m forced to have a chit-chat with this guy. The price of a cigarette is a five-minute talk with a total stranger I hope I’ll never see again. I can deal with this.

“I thought you stopped smoking.” I didn’t expect you to come out since you were very busy with your boss.

“It’s just one cigarette. Your colleague it’s hard to bear.” I don’t have the will to explain and I’m an adult I don’t know why I should hide my smoking from you. You can handle this. I won’t start smoking again though it feels so damn good.

“I’m sorry I left you alone with him.” I know you mean it. You’re so caring and sweet.

“It’s ok, I understand. Don’t worry!” I kiss you on your cheek. “Should we go inside?” This will comfort you and drive away your suspicions. You won’t notice I’m not ok. Now it’s really not the time for "the talk". Two years ago when you found me with a cocktail of pills in my mouth we talked for hours. And then you called my doctor and got me an appointment with a psychiatrist. They considered me an urgent case… The psychiatrist prescribed me the antidepressant pills. I also went to a psychologist every week. Talking to her helped. Half a year ago I stopped seeing her and two months ago it started all over again. I don’t know if I can go through all this again. It’s too much for me…

“You look so lovely.” The only female colleague of yours says to me when we come back inside. I know she tried to seduce you. She’s a good looking woman. Three years ago I would be furious but now I’m too tired to be jealous.

“You’re not looking bad either.” I'm trying to be polite.

“I’m sorry, but we were just leaving.”  You see I’m not comfortable talking to her. You take my hand, turn around and leave her standing there like a fool.

“We can stay you know. We don’t have to leave yet.” I try to be convincing.

“We’re both tired and I’ve had enough of pretending I like this boring party.” You’re still the same you that you were when we met seven years ago. And I love you for that.

The balcony

I’m standing on the balcony. Not too close to the fence though. After five years of living on the 12^th floor I’m still not used to the height and it’s still scary. I never stand too close to the fence even though I’m often wondering how long would the fall take if I would jump. I wish I had paid more attention in physics class and I could calculate the time of falling.

“Are you thinking of jumping?”  You’re joking. You don’t know I’m actually thinking of jumping. I didn’t hear you coming.

“No.” it’s easier to lie. I don’t want to cause you any more trouble. You’ve been worrying about me enough. I don’t want to put you in that place again. You don’t deserve it. I want to tell you how I feel, how confused and lost I am. But I’m afraid my dreams would come true. I’m afraid you would leave me because it would be too much for you. I’m happy you didn’t notice I’ve changed again. It seems I’m a good actress. Sometimes I wish you would see the pain I’m feeling, I wish you would understand the emptiness inside me.

You hug me from behind and kiss me on my cheek. “We should go now, it’s late.”

 

I don’t want to go to this party of yours. I would rather stay at home and sleep. I’m so tired. I’ve should have told you I don’t want to go. Now it’s a bit too late. We’re already dressed up. You’re in your tuxedo  and I’m in my fabulous red dress. I should get myself ready to smile at your co-workers jokes all evening. I know I should behave myself because this means a lot to you. You’ll be promoted next week and nothing can go wrong. I’m exhausted, dressing up and putting on my make-up was too much for me. And now I have to pretend I’m the happiest person on earth. I am very happy for your promotion I know you’ve worked hard for this and I know how much this means to you. But I’m only happy for you because any of this doesn’t make me happy at all.

Essay, highlighters and girl's night

I’ve had a lazy Tuesday and an even lazier Friday and now I’m having a super busy weekend. 

Here is a picture of the literature for the essay I’m working on. And besides these books I have a dozen of articles I’m using to write a proper essay. The topic of the essay is: Globalisation diminishes/enhances the role of the state in today’s world. Very interesting topic but it’s not that easy to write a good essay about it. But I’m trying very hard, can’t wait to see the result.

And here is another picture of my newest highlighters which I bought yesterday. I needed them for quite a while but didn’t buy them. Yesterday I passed a bookstore and I went in to see if they have some things I needed and came out with these.

Yesterday I had a girl’s night with two of my closest friends, which I call S.&U. They somehow come in pair. We cooked a very tasteful dinner and I tried my newest recipe for cooked white wine which was great. We talked and laughed and all in all it was a great evening. 

Three beautiful things

Inspired by Three beautiful things blog, I’ve decided that today I would like to find out which are the things that made my day.

I’ve been thinking for quite a while and it’s hard to decide just on three things. It seems I’ll have to be cruel. So here we go:

1. I had a very interesting lecture in the morning. We talked about flaws of student politics in Slovenia. We have a few interesting ideas on how we could improve things here but sadly we don’t have the influence to change anything.

2. After a very tasteful lunch I cuddled with my boyfriend and then we fell asleep. I have a bit of a guilty conscience because I have tons of work for my studies but it’s great to take some time from your work and just relax.

3. The third one is still coming. Two friends are coming over for dinner and we’ll have a girls evening after a long long time. We’ll cook a dinner together (though we don’t know what it’ll be yet) drink some wine and have an endless talk. I’m really looking forward to this evening :)

(I hope that this counts, since it hasn’t happen yet…)

Why I love you...

I love you because you make me smile. With my weird sense of humour that’s not easy. But you’re good at that.

I love you because you understand me and don’t judge my weird habits or my beliefs. You’re not angry when I tell you how to do something just because I think it’s the right way.

I love you because you don’t always agree with me. That’s why we have our long conversations about things and we debate different topics. I love how you try to convince me that I’m wrong with reasonable arguments but I still don’t change my opinion. And you don’t mind it. I love you because you let me have my opinion.

I love you because you’re always there for me when I need you. You didn’t back out even when I had my worst moments, when I threw all my problems at you. You helped me, talked to me and stood by my side. I’m very grateful for that.

I love you because I still see those sparkles in your eyes when you look at me. And you still have that wonderful sweet smile.

I love you because you can deal with me. I’m not the easiest person to live with but you’re still here. You don’t kick me in my ass when I tell you that you have to do the dishes now, this moment and not a second later.

I love cuddling with you. It makes me feel safe, loved and wanted.

I love sleeping next to you. It’s one of the best feelings in the whole world  to fall asleep when you’re hugging me. And it’s also one of the best feelings in the world to wake up lying next to you and hug you when I wake up.

I love the fact that we can do anything together. Study, watch movies, cook, read books... 

I love you...

Reading

I used to read a lot. Back in primary school I read a book every day. Or at least one book in two days. Now I don’t read as much as I did back then. Usually my excuse is that I don’t have the time for reading because I have a lot of work for my studies. But I have to be honest. It’s not that I don’t have the time it’s that I don’t find the time for reading.

Usually after I’m done with all the work I have to do for my studies I watch some series; a lot of them to be honest. I watch Bones, House, Gossip girl, Dexter, Grey’s anatomy, Big bang theory, How I met your mother and Desperate housewives. Two years ago I was watching 15 series per week which means I spent 15 hours per week watching series. Don’t call me crazy, please. I know, instead of watching series I could read some quality books.

I wouldn’t read as much when I was a kid if my parents would listen to me and get me internet. I can see my 10 year old sisters being at the computer for a whole day. Kids stopped reading which is terrible. A couple of months ago I made a suggestion to my sisters to read a really good book which I loved when I was a child. When I asked them a month later if they have read it they asked me why they should read it. I told them, again, that it’s a great book really worth reading. Then they told me that they borrowed it from the library and had it at home for a month because they thought I wanted to read it. And that they’re not interested in reading that particular book. I was disappointed. Not with them but with the fact that kids prefer doing stupid stuff on the internet instead of reading a good book. Though I was touched because they borrowed a book for me.

I know I don’t have the right to judge those kids. I’m the same. I write blogs and read a lot of them, I watch series and do all sorts of stupid stuff instead of getting myself a big cup of tea, sitting on the sofa and reading a good book.

Left behind

I wake up in the middle of the night and you’re not there. Maybe you got up to drink a glass of water? I listen… everything’s quiet out there. I turn on the light and hear your footsteps. Those familiar, sometimes too loud, but comforting footsteps. You come to the bedside all dressed up.

“What’s going on? What’s the time?” I have no idea what’s going on and why you’re in your black Levi’s and a jacket over a T-shirt in middle of the night. Then I notice there’s something wrong. Your face and your eyes are like an open book to me. I can see when something’s going on with you. I’m scared. I ask you again. “What’s wrong?”

You’re quiet. I see you can’t talk; you aren’t able to tell me what’s happening. You can’t look me in my eyes.

“Are you going anywhere?” I get up and grab a phone on my table to see what the time is. “It’s 2 a.m. Where are you going in the middle of the night?”  Then I see your suitcase in the middle of the living room. “You’re leaving me.” It’s all I can say. I can’t stand anymore and I can’t think.

“I’m sorry.” You finally said something. “I can’t live like this anymore. I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to leave you like this but it’s very hard for me too. I couldn’t look you in your eyes and tell you I’m leaving you. I just couldn’t. I love you too much… but I can’t stand this anymore.”

I feel like I’m falling. I can’t think straight. I want to scream, to ask you why, beg you for one more chance. But I can’t talk…

Then I wake up and realise it was all just a bad dream, you’re peacefully lying next to me, sleeping. I hug you and fall back to sleep. I love you. 

Six Word Sunday II.

I have a very busy day today, so I don’t have time to write a long blog, but I have a need to write something about my day. Six Word Sunday it’s the best option, so here we go:

Brainstorming, reading literature, writing essay, tea

That’s my busy Sunday, if anyone else wrote a Six Word Sunday please let me know, I would love to read it.

100 words: Changes

It came quietly out of nowhere and cast its spell on us. The air became colder every day and people started wearing warmer clothes. The nature also started to change her clothes. It put on her warm, calm colours.

Trees replaced the green leaves with red, orange and brown ones. After a while they decided they needed a rest and threw away the leaves and the colourful magic was quickly gone.

It became colder, the winds came from every direction and their friend rain was also invited.

The autumn came quietly out of nowhere and cast its spell on us.

Karli

Children in primary school are evil. There is always an outcast. In my class the outcast was Karli.

He was from a very poor family, both parents were unemployed and his father was an alcoholic. Karli always wore stained old clothes with holes in them. I never saw him in anything fashionable. I remember he had a red winter jacket which was too small for him and it was more like a windstopper, not warm at all. I was always sorry for him and I never mocked him. The other kids probably bullied him because he was from a poor family.

I think he was hyperactive. He was always full of energy, always jumping around making a mess in the classroom. But he was not evil, he never meant to destroy anything intentionally or hurt anyone on purpose. He was just trying to fit in and be cool.

Karli had bad grades, he hardly passed classes but I think he wasn’t stupid. In 7^th grade the history teacher made a new seating arrangement and he had to sit next to me. I had straight A’s and she thought I would be a good influence. She was right. I told him that I’m interested in history and politely asked him if he could be quiet and listen. He actually took my request seriously and never made any noises or talk to other schoolmates which he usually did. And this was also good for him because his grades improved a bit.

He was a very nice and kind kid, always there to help out if anyone needed anything. I remember one particular time when had some kind of an outdoor orientation in nature day . We were out in the woods in groups of five. One member of my group was Karli; I don’t remember who else was with us. Suddenly my stomach started to hurt really badly and I could hardly move. Other members of our group wanted to leave me there and go to the next check point where they would tell the teacher where I am and the teachers would take care of me. I think they just wanted to win the competition. Karli decided that he won’t go further with them, instead he helped me and with his help I somehow managed to reach the next check point. I can’t express how grateful I was in that moment when he said that he’ll stay with me… I really didn’t want to be alone in the woods in the middle of nowhere.

I’m wondering what he’s doing now. I heard he went to an auto mechanic school or something like that but he soon dropped out. Studying wasn’t his cup of tea. I haven’t heard anything about him for years; I hope he’s doing well.

Habits

“I can’t change this, it’s a habit.” My ex-boyfriend said to me when I asked him for the thousandth time if he could put the toilet seat back down. Well guess what, people can change! I know from my own experience that you can change your habits. Here are a couple I had in the past but I don’t anymore:

I used to sleep until noon or even longer. But then in one moment I figured out that I throw half a day away. So I decided that from that moment on I’ll wake up earlier. It wasn’t easy getting used of early rising but now I’m waking up around 8 a.m. and it’s working for me.

In primary school sleeping was so important to me that I didn’t eat breakfast. I rather slept a couple of minutes longer than to get up and eat something. I still remember one teacher saying that breakfast is the most important meal in the whole day and that we should all eat breakfast. I told her I feel sick if I eat in the morning and I never ate breakfast until a couple of months ago. Now I can’t start my day without it.

I had my morning ritual. After slowly waking up I ate my breakfast and then I made myself a hot cup of coffee and I read the news on the internet while drinking my coffee. This also changed. I drank way too much coffee. One coffee in the morning, one about an hour before lunch, next one after lunch, and then another two or three in the afternoon. Way too much coffee. Now I don’t drink coffee anymore, I drink tea.

It would be great if my ex would read this blog and start putting the toilet seat down after doing his thing. I think whoever’s living with him would be much happier.

A great day

I had a great day today! I woke up very slowly and then drank tea and chilled out. After recharging my batteries I read some literature for today’s lecture which was very interesting. The literature, not the lecture…

Before the lecture I met up with my colleague in a café to catch up. We had a great time. Talking about favourite tv series is always fun and getting some approval for watching tv series instead of studying is a big relief. It’s also always good to know that you’re not the only one doing that so you feel less guilty about it.

After this nice chit chat we had to go to the lecture where I felt like the stupidest person on Earth. I didn’t have a clue what the professor was talking about. We had to read an article about elections in Iran which was, as I already said, very interesting. But at the lecture I found out that this article had deeper meaning which I didn’t see. I felt a bit better when other colleagues told me that they were as confused as I was but I would still like to understand that article.

After this confusing lecture the day got better again. I met up with two of my oldest friends for lunch in a chic restaurant in the centre of the city. We haven’t seen each other for a couple of weeks so we had a lot to talk about. One of them was in Norway last week and she brought us a cute and useful little gift – bookmarkers (we both love to read) with a picture by the famous Norwegian painter Edvard Munch – Skrik (The Scream).

Time flew by and it was time to go home since we all have work to do.

Edvard Munch – Skrik (The Scream)

But before going home I had another stop – at a tea shop. I almost ran out of tea so I was in a desperate need of a new stash. I love the smell in there and usually I can hardly resist buying everything they have. After a hard decision I bought two black teas – Choco power and Vanilla and also two green teas – China gunpowder and Green red orange.

When I came home to my sweetheart we cuddled a bit, and now I’m writing my blog with a cup of tea (Green red orange) by my side.

What a perfect day!

A list of five things I enjoy doing every day

1. Cuddling with my boyfriend. My day without cuddling with him, even if just for a couple of minutes, is not perfect. If I have a bad day or anything goes wrong in my life, he is the one who makes me feel better. Just by hugging him I get to know that everything’s going to be all right.

2. Talking to my friends. I don’t see my girlfriends every day but I can call them anytime. I enjoy talking to them about different things whether it’s something important or just a chit chat.

3. Drinking tea. Lately I’ve been drinking a lot of tea, and I feel that something’s missing if I don’t get a cup of hot black tea with a bit of milk.

4. Sleeping. I love sleeping; I used to sleep ten or more hours a day. I don’t sleep as much anymore but I still enjoy being in the warm shelter of my blanket and it’s even better if my honey is hugging me. That makes my sleep perfect.

5. Writing a blog. I only started writing my blog about 2 weeks ago, but it became a big part of me and my life. Lately I didn’t have a hobby or anything I would do for my soul, I had (I still have…) a crisis in my life and writing a blog makes me feel better. Knowing that there are people out there who read it and write comments about it makes me feel even better and I thank you all for that from the bottom of my heart! :*

Living in a dorm

I used to live in a dorm. In Slovenia dorms are a bit different than in the States. We only have one student campus or at least something that is called a student campus. The dorm I was in is quite luxurious compared to others and it’s not in that campus. It is the newest in Ljubljana, built in 2004. It consists of two big red buildings and there are four floors in each one. Inside its very sterile and my friend once compared it with a mental hospital because it is so clean… which I liked. Not the comparison with a mental hospital but the fact that it was clean.

Inside there are suites mostly with two rooms, kitchen and a bathroom. There are two persons in each room which means that four people share a suite. Kitchen was very nice; we had a big window and a nice tree in front of it. But the bathroom on the other hand was very small, too small for four girls if you ask me. Each one had two small shelves which wasn’t enough for all our things. But we had to deal with it. In my opinion rooms could be bigger but it was much better than in some other dorms I saw.

When I moved in I got three roommates. The one living in the room with me was Romina and girls in the next room were Martina and Tadeja. They were all very nice and fun girls so it was easy for me to adjust to a new way of life. It was the first time I was living away from home.

Romina was a great roommate – we both hated early rising so she didn’t make loud noises when she had to get up early. It was a different story when she came home late after partying. She tried to be quiet very much but it didn’t go well so usually she woke me up. I know it wasn’t her intention and it was fun seeing her wasted. It was nice having her as a roommate and I was sad when she moved to another dorm.

Martina and Tadeja were quiet girls and they both liked cleaning so we always had a very clean suite. We didn’t hang out much and after a couple of months I spent less and less time in the dorm because I was more or less at my ex-boyfriends place.

It was difficult for me to adjust to living with total strangers. When you live with someone you have to adapt to him and it’s easier if you know your roommates habits. I was never totally comfortable with living with total strangers and that’s why I spent most of my time away from the dorm. And don’t get me wrong, the girls were great and there was nothing wrong with them or with our relationship. It’s just that I’m more comfortable living with someone who I know and I trust. That’s why I decided to move in with my boyfriend.

Living with him is awesome that’s why I think this theme deserves it’s own blog.